Society owes domestic abuse victims….heres why
Most times we think of women who get sexually abused, we tend to think of the weak, vulnerable, uneducated, insecure and jobless women. But the majority of women who get abused do not fit this mole. They are tough, go-getters, educated, working class, tolerant and determined. So why do these women tolerate domestic violence?
A researcher once wrote that getting a victim of domestic violence to leave her abuser is the same as getting an a drug addict to quit substance abuse. They constantly leave just to return again. So why do women stay in abusive realtionships????
Grooming
Because abusers are good groomers. It starts with untainted love, and gradually they seclude you from family and friends. They need your company so much they can’t be without you. It takes time, months and even years for grooming to lead to physical abuse. The Problem is the society forgets to count in seclusion as abuse in itself. So when the abuse becomes evident often leading to physical abuse, the woman is already too involved to get out.
Victim Blaming
Most abusers make their victims share the blame. They constantly guilt the abused woman into feeling her actions led to a reaction. "You know I don’t like it when you talk to me like that". "I lose control when I get hungry". Then the woman begins to feel she is not a good enough partner or wife and deserves it. I here this alot from the youths who talk about violence in the home. It’s usually something made my father angry and he hit me and/or he hit my mother. We can’t always attribute abuse as a reaction to a cause.
Culture
This is the painful one. Women from most African and Middle Eastern cultures are taught to look at marriage as the final stage of growth. Women teach their girls to persevere, stay in there no matter what. So the shame of divorce makes girls stay in an abusive situation with the fear of being a disappointment or a failure.
Too schooled for cool
About the tough, educated ladies, it is the fear of admission to vulnerability. Often times you forgive the first instances of abuse. Then the first physical abuse and when it becomes routine, there is a fear, a shame in admitting that as educated as one is, it’s still possible to miss the symptoms. The fear of being able to admit that as an educated person who has probably had discussions about domestic violence, other people will find out you tolerated it yourself. They stay to keep up appearances and status.
The glitter
The gifts. Most abusers will apologise with a gift and promise it would never happen again. Problem is women don’t put the option of them seeking help as part of the conditions of forgiveness. Then it happens again. Then they are genuinely sorry. Again. And the circle continues. The truth is most abusers are usually really sorry after physical abuse, buy gifts to make up. Then they lose their temper again. So leaving an abuser is hard because they are the warmest of souls till they turn cold.
Phasing out
After knowing and loving someone, its easy to blame their abuse on factors like stress. Maybe he is stressed from his job, money issues, extended family. Most women excuse the behaviour thinking its a phase that would phase out. Then it never does and abuse becomes a normal part of life. This happens often when abuse starts later in the relationship. This excuse is mostly used by the educated because we pride ourselves in being able to understand signs and symptoms.
SO WHY DO ABUSED WOMEN FIND IT HARD TO LEAVE THE ABUSER?
It us because of all of the above and because society shames women for not doing it early. Everyone says its easy. Get out of there, but truely it needs an ungrooming process that does not require us, society, shaming women for staying in too long, a society that shows understanding and do not make women feel weak and inferior for getting abused. An understanding that gives them the security that they will not be shamed for coming forward. A society that has the back of abused victims.